looking at yourself

You've got watch out for people who might see you seeing yourself. What some prankers will do is stop along the street to look into a shop window, as if they are admiring the Mannequins within, when in fact their gaze is stealthily directed suspiciously just too high, and their eyes have a dead, up-close focus. This is an especially funny and rather pathetic phenomenon when observed from the safe shadows of the store's interior (I've experienced this first hand in Carmen's clothing shop)- trying to play the role of the strolling shopper, aye? And then Bam! A quick shift of the eyes to catch a sinful glimpse of the 'ol mug. Did anyone see? Oh let's certainly hope not.

Isn't it strange to think that the face that we have seen and secretly studied in private more than any other, is the one that eludes us most- that incessantly calls for some sort of self-recognition that we can never achieve? You must agree that at some point you have stared into the mirror, trying in vain to imagine how we would see ourselves for the first time. I suppose that we've become so accustomed to seeing ourselves that we can never really view our faces from a stranger's perspective. Or perhaps it has something to do with the fact that we are looking out from the same eyes that stare back at us. Each tiny movement of the pupils is reflected back at us- a smile seen is also felt in the cheeks and up to the ears.

In any case, we yearn to know how others see us; and even more, what they really think of us. I am imagining a day when everyone is somehow obligated to spill the proverbial beans, to speak with their love ones, their freinds, without holding anything back. Before the day was out, I'm not sure how many freinds and family members would be left. Probably very few, because the truth is that all of our darkest, sickest, or most critical thoughts and opinions held within, once released would suddenly seem so much worse out in the open, by definition; a nasty opinion on the loose is a rare specie these days, and as such, would carry with it all the more force.

Ironically, hidden thoughts seem so very natural to the individual who thinks them, and less severe, being safely guarded within. Obviously they do- there is no alternative- because ultimatley it would be impossible to control our own thoughts. I sometimes wonder if the difference between a 'mad' (mad at what we might ask) person, and a sane person is the structural integrity of the barrier between the mind and the outside world, the quality of the personal censor.

So let's just continue with the idea of the day of .....ummm what to call it...the 'Day of Truth' day, god dang it! That has a nice ring to it. So on this day of truth, everyone would technically go bonkers, lose their marbles, go out of their wits, GET MAD. Having all of these couped-up thoughts released would have an interesting effect. Probably disasterous and painful at first, but after a whole day of open thinking and sudden insults and out-of-place compliments perhaps it would all have a sort of normalizing effect to it, like flooding the market with a product that before was ultra-rare - the price falls, the novelty of it fades.

An understanding would ceratinly spread, a new acceptance of ideas that had before been thought of as rude or inappropriate. (I just remembered the Jim Carrey movie Liar Liar, although that 'Day of Truth' was only one sided- Fletcher didn't have the pleasure of hearing what people truly thought about him). Without barriers to thought, our behavior, too, would change. I think the day of truth would take us a step closer to admitting that we're not so far off from the animal kingdom as some people like to believe. Amazing new knowledge would spread about what the majority of people do in their spare time. Why, for example, does it automatically seem strange or appear that something was amiss if we enter a room to find someone sitting on the bed staring out the window, doing nothing. (Well you can be the judge of this- I guess I might be abit more a spaceball than most people...?) If they are in an appropriate setting this is normal- a rocking chair on the porch, a desk of papers to be written out, etc. But just in a room alone, staring aimlessly? How strange! I wonder how many times we enter a room when the person inside has just jumped up from doing nothing to appear busy with some sort of all-important business. You know, the little stuff like this would all come out.

I'm sick of writing